i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Randomize
