2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
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My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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