the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
