I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
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cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
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I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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