alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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