im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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