I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
