I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
