i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
