Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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