I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
