a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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