no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
