her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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