After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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