whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
