do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
