My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
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i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
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I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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