She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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