If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
