Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
