Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
There are leaves in my underwear?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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