there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
