These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
