If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
