I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
