i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he was CRYING into my vagina
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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