sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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