Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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