I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
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No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
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we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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