Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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