Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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