Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
