if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
