No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
