I wish I only lived at night.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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