Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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