We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
