the condom got lost in my hair
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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