sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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