Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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