If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
