you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
