On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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