I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he quoted the bible to break up with me
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
