This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
