Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
