yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
