You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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