i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
