I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
