I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
