I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
