i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
