Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
