Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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